work has been HELL since last thursday!!!!! :( i think i'm gonna lose more weight (by missing lunch or having really late lunch) until slian comes back next week. breakfast is an essential nowadays.
trying to get my life back on track again especially so after...
"all i can say is i don't wake up in the morning missing you anymore."
that was really potent.
i did a couple of crazy things the past few days... and i ought to stop. unnecessary and uncalled for because he doesn't give a flying fark about it. it, too, doesn't help that the company's christmas dinner venue this thursday is at oscars :( etchedin her mind @ 11:50 PM
it was a mad rush day. in a way, all for nothing because i ended up not going for zoukout.
i went town to shop alone for a nice pair of silver heels. when i first got to taka, i went in to this shop, tried a pair of heels but only ended up getting it much later. well, it was only after walking from taka, to wisma, to ion, to mandarin gallery, to forum and back to taka. the only consolation from all the walking was a 10% off, so savings of about $46 for me. the shopping finally ended with me collecting my heels at taka after paying for them at forum.
earlier on at my grandma's place, everyone was talking about the upcoming wedding next sunday. so exciting!!! and i learnt that the wedding car is a bentley! so happening la! :D for now, i only hope that my grandfather would be well enough on that day to attend it... :) my uncle took out old photos for us to see and everyone had a good laugh.
couz adrian went like "of all, i think zhongying has changed the most," and as he flipped through the album, he went like "warrou warrou warrou..."
TSK TSK TSK. there was a moment of silence until i spoke up and asked if i was so 'oh no' last time. well, of course he said something politically correct :s
there are lots running through my head. i've said it but i guess i will not say anymore. etchedin her mind @ 11:51 PM
instead of being vexed over not being able to get a pair of nice heels to match my dress for my brother's wedding, i'm more vexed over christmas shopping... maybe it is the bittersweet feeling behind it all. it is supposed to be an annual thing but it has turned out to be a one-off thing. to top it off, what happened today made the entire thing even more sian... *heaves a long sigh*
other than my great 2010 resolution of 'cultivating good habits', i've decided to watch my spendings and start saving for real. i've just gotten myself an additional liability which i will start repaying in coming january, other than paying for clover's monthly instalments. getting a loan from my mum was my last resort, though i still owe her many grands for the stocks which i bought over the past few months :/
anyhows, to start embracing myself in the festive mood, i have compiled my christmas wishlist and there are (fortunately only) 2 items in it.
my christmas wishlist
1) a pair of rollerblades (hello to more night blading sessions!)
2) an SLR camera (so that i can go snapping around with a fellow kaki and we will compare the same object and realize how different our angles can be! hmmm...)
*******
till then. good night world. etchedin her mind @ 1:21 AM
as it turned out, the bigger shock at the end of the day was JL's leaving. 3 of us went down together and started tearing. it is more than the "protection" that he has been sheltering us for the past few years; he has been a nice boss.
the future seems so uncertain and bleak. not sure why but this year's christmas seems exceptionally cold... and depressing. etchedin her mind @ 8:13 PM
it feels like D-day. something significant happened at work, rather briefly. my heart felt heavy when she left her desk. the atmosphere was rather tense. for some reason, i dare not look her in the eye or even say anything because i'm worried that i may end up saying the wrong things. the desk beside me is now vacant. it feels like something is missing. organization reality is cold and heartless. on another note, i know i will be the next one to go - it is just a matter of time.
i am too caught up with what happened this morning to dwell on what happened last night. i can only say, i feel even sadder this time round and my heart aches so bad, so bad.
what we had is true. i hope you still know that. let the fighting end - between us, those against us and the emotions within us. if there is a thing for us to learn from wars, fighting may lead us to triumph but it comes with a cost. etchedin her mind @ 4:42 PM
it is finally over - goodbye to nights after work and weekends at SMU. if i fail again... i don't know... paper 2 was a killer. gonna rest more to nurse my poor complexion (and ruldoph nose). 2 more weeks to the wedding and christmas is around the corner, which reminds me that i ought to start on christimas shopping soon. wishlist? how about that polished silver coffee machine we saw at tangs? somehow the urge to buy iphone is not as strong anymore, should i still get it? gotta start packing and move my stuffs down before dad flips... gotta buy the room essentials - bin and rug really soon... the deprived shopper so wanna go town to shop :( etchedin her mind @ 12:51 AM
WOOHOO~ my bed (finally) arrived this afternoon! BUT, hmmm... i haven't bought any bed spreads (for some reason, i keep calling bed sheets 'bed spreads' :s)... oh wells, my personal shopper is gonna help me with that and other bed-related stuffs which i have not gotten tomorrow... i hope my budget of $300 is enough? grins. etchedin her mind @ 10:52 PM
a few more moments to long weekend; a much needed one... :)
i really understand the concept of equilibrium - the state of balance, now... actually after last night? in life, everything is a good mix of the goods and bads which will result in a balance. for instance, nice and nasty people, selfless and selfish people, hardworking and lazy people, yada yada. maybe most importantly, people who love you and people who hate you.
well i guess when things don't go my way in future, i should just remind myself of the good people and things which keep and/or will keep me 'balance' :) afterall, it can't be that bad right??? :) etchedin her mind @ 6:07 PM
still in the midst of writing wedding invitation cards to my guests :s haha but when i passed them to the girls last night, it felt as though i was the one getting married la :/
in exactly 4 weeks' time there will be an additional member to my family! so looking forward to it :) etchedin her mind @ 10:28 PM
i can't believe that at this point in time, i'm stressed over the not-so-important stuffs. sighs. silly me! *slaps her own forehead*
met up with the girls yester night. we had a smashing good time at partyworld :) i guess i'll only be happy when i spend time with people i wanna spend time with. somehow friday night's steoreolab session pales in comparison. i firmly believe that you need not consume tons of alcohol to feel high and happy. it becomes senseless drinking :/ there should be other means right?
had a very good and long talk with clara last night and it made me realize quite abit :)
firstly, to figure myself out, secondly, to fully recover and finally, start afresh. etchedin her mind @ 12:26 PM
i have been rather stressed out this week over the amount of stuffs which i need to do, on top of my way-too-far-behind-revision. 21 more days to go :(
stuffs which i did yesterday - completed SGA (with some help from sweetboy who happened to be in office) - bought curtain rod from ikea (when the tampines branch was about to close!) - sorted out monetary stuffs related to renovation (a heavy load off my mind!)
*******
the family celebrated nat nat's 1st birthday last night :)
not sure why but nat nat never fails to warm my heart each time i see her. she seems to be the only one who can bring a smile to my face even when i'm aching inside. sometimes i find myself admiring her - from her baby moves, baby smiles, baby sobs etc.
*******
not sure if it is normal to feel nothing after an emo roller-coaster ride... i don't think i will ever want to feel this worthless again, to realize what i have done actually means nothing. good memories? they are thrown into the incinerator, like unwanted trash. etchedin her mind @ 3:02 PM
i always feel that dreams (be it good or bad) are somewhat indications about our lives, even if they can be very unrealistic and incredible. i mean, i won't be able to understand those incredible ones but i seem to be able to comprehend the simpler ones, like the nightmare i had last night.
i dreamt that i bought a BMW z4 (weird because i'm more of an audi fan) without knowing how much is my monthly instalment, loan tenure, initial downpayment, my annual insurance for a driver my age without any NCD and the most amazing part, i didn't know my new ride's engine capacity. after my crazily impulsive shopping, i met up with my mum and my dog. i couldn't wipe that smile off my face and my mum began suspicicous and asked why i kept smiling. when i was about to tell her about my new big buy, i realized i didn't know anything about it (like what i mentioned above). i started to be worried about the financing aspect and got panicky. i took out the documents passed to me and read through the terms. at the end of it, i realized it was not signed!!! but in reality, that is so impossible la :/
i thought my nightmare reflects some sort of reality that is going on in my life - jumping into something when the feeling feels right, you know, that sort of 'i do what i want' without thinking much of the consequences, without looking at the bigger picture. perhaps (objective) people like me, who usually weigh the pros and cons about most of the things, need this kinda of carefee thrill once in a while, to add some adventures to the mundane life. it is fine if they are good memories but if they aren't and it's at the expense of yourself and your dear friends, you are probably better off without it.
like what my big cousin told me last saturday, he mentioned about when one stops having any hopes, ones die then one is reborn again. i went through that recently whereby i had to disintegrate from where i had integrated into, very unwillng then.
i began thinking, if i wasn't in it 5 years ago, why am i in it now, 5 years later? i believe there must be some sort of repercussions left behind from then that is brought forward to the present. even so, i shouldn't be treated in this manner. no matter how hard i try to integrate into his life, it doesn't take place until he allows me to. i've really tried and i've done my best but he isn't reciprocating... come to think of it, it should be easier to disintegrate from where i have not integrated into...
i guess, i'm just better off being myself, being alone. i'm done here. period. etchedin her mind @ 6:47 AM
bff and i met up for dinner just now and ate to our hearts' content :) we had peking duck and 3 other dishes ('si ji dou', tofu and corn soup) at asia grand restaurant. both of us finished most of the food and tabao-ed some of the crispy noodle with duck meat. i was so full that i had to fag la! i crashed shortly after reaching home... and woke up about an hour ago, still feeling full from dinner :/
what does it mean when you were supposed to meet someone but you didn't reply someone's text message and despite so, someone didn't even call you? it is obvious that spells bochup-ness right? :/ i guess i must be wrong (again) because i thought things ought to get better after what he told me last night.
no hopes; no expectations. time will tell.
just got back home from breakfast delivery. hopefully his breakfast doesn't get removed from its spot. *keeping my fingers crossed*
i am going back to sleep now. it shouldn't be too difficult since i just ate (yes again!) garlic bread! *looks at her bulging tummy*
note to self: don't stay out past 2am when the next day is a working day! i was so tired at work today that i could hardly concentrate. hopefully i didn't make any mistakes for EOD checks. well we'll know in a bit... :/ etchedin her mind @ 3:36 AM
amid all that is happening, there are moments of peace within me :)
like today, i realize that i actually do love my brother and in fact, i really love him alot. perhaps this feeling has been around all the time though there were times he was a total asswipe and i wished he was never part of my life. somewhat glad that it surfaced today :)
even though life does not turn out to be the way we hope it will be most of the time, like my pathetic new relationship, there are other things to rejoice about. great family and friends :) etchedin her mind @ 5:26 PM
i realize that people don't necessarily cry when they are sad. i cried last night because i felt indignant for all that has happened, over you who was really mean to me.
i always think that people will only vent their anger at people close to them, those dear and near. well i have my fair share of angst at home with my mum and my brother and vice versa. i don't think i'm someone that close to you (yet) but i get such unacceptable nonsense, it just goes to show how insignificant i am to you, to let you trample all over me and my pride.
i may have done you wrong in the past, but i don't think i ever raised my voice at you then.
when 2 people like each other, things should be simple yet spontaneous. it shouldn't take much effort to text or call right? i'm tired of being embroiled in the mind games you play and your non-chalance. is it that hard to be nice?
how you have been mistreating me does say alot about how you feel towards me :(
plans to dress up for halloween were cancelled in the end... looneys met up for ktv at SSC and afterwhich we went over to overeasy. it was an early night for me because i was too tired. i only had 3 hours of sleep the night before! :s
i always thought the 1st few months (at least) of every new relationship is supposed to be sweet and lovey dovey. surprisingly this isn't the case this time round. instead, i feel insignificant and very insecure... he is so bochup and i feel like the spare tyre whom he will meet only if his friends are not meeting him. amid all the shittiness, i still feel relatively okay... (but i doubt bff is gonna second that!) i guess it's the freedom and liberation that keeps me going. maybe it is my karma from what happened 5 years ago. well, we'll see... because he told me to give him time to adapt to this. (i secretly thought that was rather nice...)
super slack week for me. i'd better do something productive later :s etchedin her mind @ 6:47 PM
my long weekend is over. as much as i dread going to work tomorrow, i kinda dread staying at home too with all the 'noise' caused by the renovation and my mum's naggings :( i wish i can be more understanding towards the latter but when i'm tired and all i want is some peace, it's abit... frustrating :x sighs. i'm such a terrible person.
my braces are finally removed this afternoon :) oh but i had such a hard time parking my car at NUH :s even the valet was full so i had to park somewhere far away and walk a distance to the dental centre. it caused me to be 20 minutes late for my dental appointment. TSK TSK TSK.
looking forward to angie's birthday celebration tomorrow :) etchedin her mind @ 11:04 PM
i used to want my sleep so badly and thought sleeping was such a luxury but nowadays, despite being deprived of sleep, i can't fall asleep. i figured it is the few minutes (sometimes even hours) before concussing that is unbearable. they say thoughts in your head hinder you from sleeping and i can't agree more. i can be out all day and come home really bushed. even so, i can't seem to sleep immediately or at least soon after. i think i need more asahi because beers make me sleepy.
due to the series of events which took place over the past weekend, i have, once again, lost sight of my priority. i took leave for the next 2 days and i told myself that i really have to catch up on my revision then... those leave days which i took over the past few months weren't well-spent in terms of productivity but this time round, i am not gonna let the same thing to happen again.
now that things have come to an end, albeit not in an amicable manner, i guess it's for the better. it will never be the same again, more so after all the nasty words blurted last night. i saved those text messages in my phone to remind myself that 'i'm not worth it'. can't help feeling alittle indignant for myself after everything which i have done for you, for us. i can only say, i've done my best, i have no regrets and i won't look back anymore.
someone, please put me to bed. i so need a hug too. etchedin her mind @ 3:39 AM
this is the final leap that i'm gonna take. if all else should fail, i will not hold on anymore.
**********
i finally caught '500 days of summer' last night. honestly it wasn't as good as i thought. wayne even fell asleep! i think it was the alcohol taking effect on him. so what we think about fate and destiny are probably just sheer coincidences... sounds so sad right? :(
plans tonight... dinner at grandma's place followed by mahjong :) etchedin her mind @ 6:17 PM
i used to dread questions on CFS. i have a tendency to memorize from this chapter, so after being away from it for quite a (long) while, i totally forgot what it is about, even the most fundamental difference between using direct and indirect method :/
i finally attempted on my refresher course for CFS and hopefully from now on, i'll be able to step up on my progress! :)
heading to bed. i'm so full from supper. i hope i won't have nightmares tonight! haha i won't mind dreaming of homebaked raspberry cake though... :)
*****************
today i met a friend and he was telling me about the raspberry cake he baked for his girlfriend of nearly a decade (just a few months short). he was grinning away as he was fiddling with his iphone and asking me if i had seen his cake! it looked burnt (think huge chocolate muffin) and he explained to me the step-by-step procedure. he certainly looked very pleased with the end product...
though i was suan-ing him away, i thought it was such a sweet gesture! can't remember the last time a guy cooked for me... i don't think anybody even baked for me before la! :s etchedin her mind @ 1:40 AM
super shaggggg - mj-ed till almost 5am, supper-ed till almost 6am, got home at 6.30am. we only played 1.5 rounds because everybody kept 'diao zhng-ing'. and... I LOST $70 TO ALL 3 OF THEM! faints.
i wish it is gonna be a lazy sunday but i doubt it's possible because i have SO MUCH to do... the leftover stuffs since the beginning of this week. sighs. i procrastinated too much :/
i haven't been to the movies for such a long time! there are so many shows which i wanna watch... BOO :/ etchedin her mind @ 11:58 AM
"we need not lead a perfect life to appreciate life."
i came across the above line and thought to myself, how true.
food tasting went well, except that i was fashionably late. the roads were jammed up throughout! it took 30 minutes to travel from ORQ to tanglin area! clover and i got into a not-worth-mentioning (very) minor accident and her left mirror cap is scratched... :/ i didn't handle the situation well - didn't take any photos, didn't take down the taxi's carplate and driver details etc. i can't even remember what colour his vehicle is! it was too dark for me to notice. maybe i was too frustrated to think straight.
next comes the hassle... reporting the accident in case if the bugger makes a claim on me though he caused the accident. he continued inching into the lane i was on despite my honking. TSK TSK TSK.
oh wells, when one's down in luck, one can expect everything to be yucky, in the worst case scenario. etchedin her mind @ 1:39 AM
i realize being single means having to look after yourself, in every aspect. i guess i should be able to do that, but the thing i really need to learn is to stand up for myself.
something pretty nasty happened just now when i was heading home from work. on hindsight, i wish i had walked over to the side of the sicko and made him alittle uneasy, though at that very moment i wanted to smash his phone so that he will stop his unauthorized snapping! i thought i was being paranoid but later i was convinced i was right because of the sound made. sometimes it's hard to fathom what such people think because upon realizing that i had already noticed his weirdo action (because i turned and stared at him), he actually turned to another side. and after i turned back, he continued his snapping. tmd, it went on for several times! TSK TSK TSK.
oh wells, i guess tomorrow will be a better day! looking forward to food tasting at st regis in the evening with my mum, uncle, aunt, brother, his wife-to-be and his in-laws! :) etchedin her mind @ 12:37 AM
24. female. singapore.
loves dogs and most (but not all) animals, stars, clovers and incredibly sweet fruity scents. enjoys good food, sinful desserts (basically anything sweet), retail therapy, pampering sessions, mahjong, music, movies and tons of me-time.
"as we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to let you down probably will. you will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder everytime.
you'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. you'll fight with your best friend. you'll blame a new love for things an old love did.
you'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
so take too many photos, laugh too much and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."
wishlist*
lone ranger trip
more time with you :)
visit somewhere that has lots of clovers and greens
